Ever wondered what it’s really like to be a toddler? Here’s our best guess…
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2:00 – My parents are sound asleep in their bed and so was I, but I get tangled up in my blanket and wake up with a scream.
That seems to happen most nights and, whenever it does, Daddy says something about “exorcist” but I don’t really know what that means. My parents don’t seem to wake up at my first scream, so I carry on until they come into my room and turn the lights on. They look rough; I smile.
Now that we’re all up, it’s the perfect time to put an episode of Mr. Tumble on the TV but Daddy says that I have to go back to sleep. When thinks I’m asleep, he turns the lights off and I scream again but he doesn’t find it funny.
4:06 – I wake up and realise that my parents aren’t there. It must be time to get up by now so I scream again. This time it’s only Mummy who comes to see me.
Luckily, this time she picks me up and I think we’re going downstairs to watch Mr. Tumble, but she takes me into bed with her and Daddy. My Daddy is fast asleep and I want to cuddle him but the furry spiders under his arms are scary so I cuddle Mummy instead.
5:30 – Daddy gave me a choice for breakfast: Weetabix, toast, or porridge. I clearly ask for toast with jam but Daddy brings me porridge with a big, silly grin on his face. The worst part of breakfast is pretending to like the aeroplane noises that my parents make to get me to eat; if I’m hungry I’ll eat, if I’m not I won’t, no amount of daft noises will change that.
8:00 – My parents are leaving for work so Grandma and Grandpa have come to spend the day with me – result! I wee in my nappy before they arrive and Mummy said she’ll leave it for Grandma to sort out.
11: 00 – My fluffy sibling comes through her flap in the door. I don’t know why she gets let out on her own when I don’t; I’m older than her. I try to chase her but she hisses at me as usual.
13:00 – Grandma and Grandpa have put me to bed for a nap but they’re talking so loudly in the living room that I can’t sleep. Mummy always says it’s because they’re going deaf.
16:00 – Daddy always gets home from work before Mummy which is bad because, ever since Daddy kissed that lady who wasn’t Mummy, Grandma and Grandpa don’t talk to him much.
So, this is where I have to step in to break the ice. To create a diversion from Grandma and Grandpa being mean to Daddy, I take off my leggings and nappy and wee all over the floor, laughing like the hyenas from The Lion King.
18:20 – I often wonder why Mummy talks to me in a different voice than she does to anyone else. It isn’t cute, she sounds like she’s lost her marbles. She says it’s “bath, bottle, book, and bed time” and Daddy says that it’s time to take Aunty Biotic. I’ve never even heard of an Aunty Biotic before! Where are we taking her?
18:30 – I’m soaked and covered in bubbles – my absolute favourite. Daddy washes me with a sponge and Mummy sings to me. This is my favourite part of the day, so I try not to ruin it by doing a poop in the water again.
23:03 – I wake up with a scream. I can hear my parents enjoying themselves downstairs so I scream louder – they can’t have all the fun without me.
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